Week 11 - Grief

This week I'm going to shift my focus & energy and talk a little deeper about grief.

I also teach a course called "children in the middle."  It's a court mandated course for couples in Iowa who file for divorce while they have children under the age of 19.  The basic premise of the course is: Individuals going through divorce should not put their children in the middle of their conflict/differences/turmoil/etc… The kids never asked their parents to get married, and they certainly didn’t ask them to get divorced. 

During one of my lessons, we always talk about change. I love to explain to people the importance of recognizing change, and then adapting to it. We are natural creatures of habit, so even the smallest change can interrupt our lives. In life, there is change every single day. Obviously, the bigger the change, the bigger role it plays in our lives. Our first instinct is to focus on what we lose in that change. For example, if we're going to be changing houses, or employment, or we have a death in the family; or a new baby being born; or a new relationship, or maybe we're breaking up with somebody, the more major the change is, the more likely we are to focus on what we lose. 

So anytime we experience change, and then focus on the loss… we enter the grieving process. You’ve probably heard the phrase “the first stage is denial!”  Much of the time, that is correct. How many times has your reaction been…” No way!! It can’t be true!”

What I'd like you to do... is analyze your life a little and think about something you lost recently... or maybe a major change taking place. Did you notice the grief process?

Many experts believe there are several stages of grief, and some experts think they go 1 then 2 then 3… etc. I believe there is a cycle like the illustration attached. However, I think you enter the cycle like a pinball… and you bounce around randomly and sometimes get stuck in one stage. I know many people who stay in anger, and even more people who get stuck in pain & guilt.

My point is. Understand it is only a process... and a temporary process! This course and this 2024 year have brought on so much change for me, I need to constantly remind myself It is natural to feel these emotions.

Finally, if you are experiencing any type of change... or any type of sadness, I want you to give it a number from 1 to 7  (Number 1 feeling terrible with no hope, and 7 feeling absolute nirvana, happiness, and perfection).

Let's say you choose your life event is a 4.

Then ask yourself... "what would it looked like if I was no longer a 4, and now a 5, what does that look like?"

Then your next question to yourself is "What needs to happen for me to get to a six!"

Then you can visualize your loss, your grief, and hopefully you can find hope.